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fortune_has_a_nervous_breakdown.txt

Posted by cosmicfortune - January 10th, 2019


EDIT: Decided to keep this up. I'm not going to remove it unless something happens that makes me remove it.

Alright. I'm gonna remove this post in like a week or some shit so read it while you can. Also, I'm not putting a filter on myself for this. Not in the slightest. Although, I am changing names for the sake of privacy, not for me, but for the people involved.

2015 - 2017 was a fucking hard time for me. I feel like I've become to master of fucking acting with how much I acted "fine". So, let's start this trainwreck.


2015 was the year I got my first personal computer, a laptop. A laptop with microphone capabilities as well, so I could actually TALK to people for once. The first of these people was a kid named uhh, baltrig. He was pretty young, and I honestly can't remember how the met him. I think it was Garry's Mod, but I can't remember. I worked with him on a few games, helping with renders and stuff. None of our games ever got finished, mainly due to general laziness. One time he invited me to a Gmod server with a friend of his. An older kid, a tad younger than me, named uhhhhhhh...Mitch. Yeah. Alright, so I'd end up becoming friends with Mitch and I'd even start playing games with him more often. Mainly Minecraft and Gmod. Mitch was a pretty smart kid, but his family was going through rough times. His parents were divorced and I felt really bad for him. I sometimes wonder if the reason I kept with him was because of some sort of pitty. I had a YT channel at the time, and Mitch starred in these videos A LOT. I wanted to do videos by myself, but I felt like they were boring with just me. Mitch and I found a public Minecraft server and started playing on it. I made a """series""" of our adventures on it. It was shit lol. Over time though I could feel myself forcing myself to interact with him. I could feel that from his side as well too partly. As for that Minecraft server...oooo boy.

Basically, we were fucking blind. But I'll get to that soon enough. One of the admins, a user named "Nacho" (I had that name change ready), was pretty helpful for us. The server ran off of factions, and my faction got its ass kicked constantly. The help from the admin, as small as it was, was nice. Eventually Nacho joined our "group", and Mitch eventually added a friend of his, a person named um...Lolipop. Yeah. We played games together and talked with each other on Skype quite a bit. Oh I think this is 2016 now by the way, I think anyway. Lolipop and I got into a freakin' ""relationship"", which let's be honest, wasn't gonna last long. I didn't even know where they lived, and yet...I showed them where I lived via google maps. Yes, you read that fucker right. I'm was a non-social idiot who tried anything to ensure I wasn't gonna die alone. My parents didn't want me to tell ANYONE about where I lived online, and I still fucking did it. What's interesting though is the way it backfired on me, was in a way you probably couldn't predict. So my parents were around during a voice chat, I had headphones on so they couldn't hear the convo, but I tried my best to be as careful I could be about what I said. Lolipop mentioned the "white car outside my house" and this is the moment where you lose all respect you may have had for me, and if you didn't, you're still going to hate me. So, I replied "What?". Yup. This spiraled into conversation of Mitch and Nacho now thinking Lolipop was a stalker of some kind. We never talked to Lolipop again. I remember saying I was sorry to Lolipop, but I can't remember if they ever replied. I doubt it. One odd thing though was they were banned from using the computer due to constant fights with their brother. I found it was odd they still managed to sneak in Voice Chats and time to play Minecraft. Anyway...on to more shit.

I'm not entirely sure what happened during the time I didn't talk to Mitch, Nacho, and Lolipop. I do know they had conversations by themselves before the whole bad thing I did, but I never thought much of it, or really cared. Why would I? Bringing this up now is once again setting up a later point, the reason is because I want you to learn this stuff in the order I did.

So, building off of me, Mitch, and Nacho, our relationship started to go apart, at least with Mitch. He started becoming more distant as time went on, where it was really just me and Nacho, with Mitch sometimes joining us in FFA matches on Half-Life 1's multiplayer. During this time, I also started becoming a solo game developer, with Mitch and Nacho being beta testers. I actually did make and release some games, although their pages don't exist anymore, they still got released. Spaceguy, Hidden Treasures, Mind Dump, and some other ones got released. As shit as they were, I was honestly pretty happy with them. Although, I did remove them after a while as I felt like "I could totally do that better". Whether or not I'll actually make a game and release it proper is still up in the air. Mitch simply played the games and gave me super bare bones opinions. Nacho on the other hand, gave me some decent input. Although, one thing he did do was almost try to see something...more, in my games. I think over time he started to make me believe there was something legit wrong with me. I doubt it was intentional, but it still happened. Another thing he said that hit me really hard was that one thing he told was...

...was like I was his own kid.

How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that? A guy who was going through hard times of his own, saying that I was like his own kid, giving him something to look forward to daily. Nacho also eventually told me that the Minecraft server we played on, was run by a bunch of furries. Nothing against furry fandom, but he said that he was surprised I didn't notice the erotic roleplay in chat. He said that these were "friends" that he knew, and I guess he never thought anyone else would really join the server so he never cared. So yeah, that the whole "Mitch and I are fucking blind" thing from before. I have no reason to believe he wasn't involved too though, not only due to some stuff later explained here, but also because he actively showed me his own furry suit. Why should I believe he might be one of those weird furries? Not all furries are bad, but there are bad ones, and I have no reason to believe he wasn't one of the bad ones after well...you'll see.

We...kept talking. Kept playing games. Mitch stayed even more distant as well. The times I did interact with Mitch felt weird. Our interests changed so much, that we were pretty much the opposite of each other. I still kept in touch with him. I tried to ask him why he stayed so distant, but he never said.

That was until one day in 2017, Nacho messaged me. He said Mitch had blocked him. I was confused, but figured it was probably an accident. I messaged Mitch and asked him why did he block Nacho, and why was he so distant. Mitch actually responded, and said something had happened back when Lolipop was in the group. A conversation that had happened between Lolipop and Nacho, that Lolipop told him about. Nacho wanted to see Lolipop's feet. On top of that, there were other pedo/perv things he had said to Loli. I...wasn't sure if I should believe him. If Loli was mad at me enough at what I had done to them, could this be some form of revenge? Mitch didn't want to take chances, and he opted to stay silent. He opted to stay silent about a possible pedo. He didn't tell me until over a year later. Gee, thanks.

I left a message to Nacho, telling him I was going to stop talking to him, and that I wasn't going to explain why. I didn't want to take chances, and figured I'd cut myself off from him. I didn't know how to help him anyway with the depression and other issues, so I figured I'll just leave him. The added pedo thing made the whole blocking him thing happen faster. I eventually stopped talking to Mitch entirely, and blocked him as well. I then deleted as much stuff on the old me, the me from 2015-2017, and decided it was time to start over. I didn't want Mitch or Nacho to find me. So...new username...new accounts...almost new everything. I felt...I felt more free I guess. The problem was though I had the memories of everything that happened. I didn't entirely feel 100% free of my past. So...in 2018 I tried to tell some people about what happened. First, a friend of mine, lhpaladin. Yeah, I'm not changing names past 2018. They are still around and my friends so...yeah. Later I told some people on the D-Pad Discord server, but not all of it. I didn't tell paladin and the D-pad server everything. But hey, that's what I'm doing now. I don't want to live in 2019 in worry. I don't want to worry that Lolipop might actually use my location info against me (seriously, that is something I think about), I don't want to keep this bottled inside me. So...here we are. The name "cosmicfortune". A motivation of sorts to do something with my life...and...finally trying to tell the whole story. So...the end I guess.

Not entirely sure how to end this. Also uh, sorry for any typos. I think faster than I can type. Anyway, thanks for your time. Here's to 2019 not being a trainwreck.


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